Welcome
to my deepest darkest secrets

Prelude

The WHY: 

Ive been journaling from the age of 9. I remember writing my breakup letter to my first ever boyfriend in the 5th grade. I gave it to him a whole 24 hours after dating and standing awkwardly around each other during recess. Basically my point is: journaling has been my most favorite form of executing my thoughts for as long as I can remember. The feeling of a fresh pen on paper, writing the best prettiest letters you could write on the first page of a journal, is a feeling thats grown to be one of my favorites. Rushing to grab my safe space while cortisol fires and scribbles draw on paper that yes, are words. That has become one of my favorite feelings as well. You see, I have always written free handedly all throughout life, as I am now on the bare bones of this website, however I've always written for me. I never intended on having another set of eyes see what I see. 

 

One of my biggest learnings in the past 23 years has been that vulnerability is strength. I never understood this as a young one who never shed a tear in front of anyone and kept all hurt a secret. I became so good at hiding it, I figured out how to hide some of the hurt from myself. I liked being the class clown in people's lives. Making people laugh, performing, doing anything possible to distract me from my own inner wounded child. I did it all mindlessly as a form of coping. 

 

2020 was the catalyst of truly understanding what it means to be vulnerable with others and the power this holds. I've come to believe it is vital for humanity to give ourselves permission to be vulnerable with others in order to strive to a healthy society. How are we ever going to improve as a whole if we continue to dismiss yet drag our baggage of trauma, hurt, or guilt with us? I would have never improved on healing if I didnt finally stop, turn around, and acknowledge what was in MY bag. Because sometimes that's all the baggage needs, acknowledgment. There are why’s and how’s and what if’s of how it landed in there, but those are all fractures to the puzzle. What is for fact and real is simply whats in it and that it still connects to you now. To bring awareness of it doesnt mean it will disappear or go anywhere. There are always new things being added in and old things being taken out, but it is so much easier to get places by carrying the baggage. Rather than ignoring or letting it drag against the tough concrete that only exaggerbate it further. The worst is when you forget about it than have to go back to find it because nobody owns it but you. Nobody can carry it but you. 

 

Both of these ideologies are opposites and Ive lived most of my life in the first. I am new to this vulnerability thing, but I have fallen in love with every bit of it. I cry with my friends all the time now. Happy, sad and or a mixture of tears. I accept affection from friends and loved ones, which I didn't know how to do prior to 2020. Most importantly, I've learned how to accept love. From the old lens I had I viewed love as help. I didnt undersrand it or think I was worthy of it. Now I accept the "help" or love. I accept the support system friends and loved ones offer. Most importantly I accept my own love fully and whole heartedly. I let it rain and seep into every pore of my body. 

 

*pauses to give self a hug* The growth.  

 

Because these perspectives are drastically opposites, it took many triumphs, heartbreaks, and traumatic events for me to get where I am now. Now I am comfortable in the uncomfortable, where I do the unimaginable from my younger selfs lens, and I share with you my deepest most darkest secrets.